Hey I’m back after so long, apologies I got caught up with life so I didn’t really have time to reflect or I wasn’t in a safe place to do so. But I’m here now and that’s all that matters right?

Ok so I want to talk about change on this post, change is a funny thing. Sometimes it can be a good, bad or just plain inconvenient however due to some module choices this year I have been exposed to material exploring what the dimensions of sexuality and gender are. So what? So I find myself having trouble facing the material, facing the words on the pages that others seem to skim by whilst my eyes remain stuck on the same words: homosexuality, gay, lesbian, transgender etc.

It’s stupid really, it shouldn’t bother me but it does. I hate how comfortably people can talk about the subject yet within myself I feel my heart hesitating, questioning itself whether it’s safe to engage in such debates. Why? Because it means I need to actually stop running from everything and face this brick wall that I always keep breaking my nose on. Culture, society, parents, these words buzz around my ears as influences on identities are touched upon; awareness of the effects that each and every one of those words has on someone’s identity I only know too well. Or do I? I mean here I am indulging in my hidden identity away from the supposedly happy go lucky mask, yet I’m not sure what this person is like and I guess it’s time to change that. 

Sexuality within the texts I’m reading are described as something that is fluid and cannot be defined by the categories that humans love oh so much. Ok I can see that and am inclined to agree that people should stop trying to make boxes because there will always be people who never quite make it in. However I cam across a programme and it discussed the popularity of people (in America) going to places to get therapy to try and cure their ‘same-sex attractions’ . Now, like I said, I agree that sexuality is fluid and can change but for some reason people seeking out ‘therapy’ to change themselves so much because of such pressures from society, culture and their families was repulsive but attractive at the same time. I mean if you’ve read my other posts you’ll know that if/when I confront my parents (the brick wall) it will either break or break me in the sense I will either lose myself or I lose my family due to their views. So if there’s a chance, a way to change so that this brick wall could somehow magically disappear surely    it should be an option to consider? 

But then I jolt back to reality, where the success rates of such therapy aren’t proven nor do I actually believe I could repress myself so much to change into something, again, that I don’t know. And as much as I know that I will not subject myself to such methods of control, it is like everything else, it is an option.