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Change.

Hey I’m back after so long, apologies I got caught up with life so I didn’t really have time to reflect or I wasn’t in a safe place to do so. But I’m here now and that’s all that matters right?

Ok so I want to talk about change on this post, change is a funny thing. Sometimes it can be a good, bad or just plain inconvenient however due to some module choices this year I have been exposed to material exploring what the dimensions of sexuality and gender are. So what? So I find myself having trouble facing the material, facing the words on the pages that others seem to skim by whilst my eyes remain stuck on the same words: homosexuality, gay, lesbian, transgender etc.

It’s stupid really, it shouldn’t bother me but it does. I hate how comfortably people can talk about the subject yet within myself I feel my heart hesitating, questioning itself whether it’s safe to engage in such debates. Why? Because it means I need to actually stop running from everything and face this brick wall that I always keep breaking my nose on. Culture, society, parents, these words buzz around my ears as influences on identities are touched upon; awareness of the effects that each and every one of those words has on someone’s identity I only know too well. Or do I? I mean here I am indulging in my hidden identity away from the supposedly happy go lucky mask, yet I’m not sure what this person is like and I guess it’s time to change that. 

Sexuality within the texts I’m reading are described as something that is fluid and cannot be defined by the categories that humans love oh so much. Ok I can see that and am inclined to agree that people should stop trying to make boxes because there will always be people who never quite make it in. However I cam across a programme and it discussed the popularity of people (in America) going to places to get therapy to try and cure their ‘same-sex attractions’ . Now, like I said, I agree that sexuality is fluid and can change but for some reason people seeking out ‘therapy’ to change themselves so much because of such pressures from society, culture and their families was repulsive but attractive at the same time. I mean if you’ve read my other posts you’ll know that if/when I confront my parents (the brick wall) it will either break or break me in the sense I will either lose myself or I lose my family due to their views. So if there’s a chance, a way to change so that this brick wall could somehow magically disappear surely    it should be an option to consider? 

But then I jolt back to reality, where the success rates of such therapy aren’t proven nor do I actually believe I could repress myself so much to change into something, again, that I don’t know. And as much as I know that I will not subject myself to such methods of control, it is like everything else, it is an option. 

Marriage.

I actually hate this word. Hate the topic and everything and anything that is related to it. Why? Because it’s never the marriage I would want nor could actually happen for me. 

One annoying thing about the culture of Asian people, especially for girls is that everyone wants you to get married and after that you can continue your life because then you’d be your husband’s responsibility essentially. As much as my parents are supportive of my stubborn want to continue my education and pursue a high demanding career, the question of when will it be my turn is looming ever closer. 

Many of my Asian friends are married or are engaged to be and even if their mothers are joking when they keep asking when I’m going to join them, I laugh and politely say I have no plans too. However my mother insists on ‘letting me finish my studies first.’ And whenever we discuss the topic…well it’s not really a discussion I blatantly tell my mother I never, ever want to get married my career choice won’t allow for such distractions blah blah blah. Yet she never listens. 

As a result of relatives and friends getting married I find myself attending more and more of them. I’m not sure if any of you guys have been to an Asian wedding but basically you have to doll up to the max because it’s not just a wedding. It’s a chance for other families to have a look at the single girls/guys and place potential inquiries into if such personal are interesting in getting married. Problem. Well problems , One I hate dressing up…but I do, only for these occasions to keep my mother happy and two because I am now dressed up with a splash of make up I actually look like a viable candidate for marriage, in the Asian sense. 

So usually at these events I try to lay low and not draw attention to myself to avoid these awkward questions and to throw my mum off the trail I’ll fire out some things I’d want at my imaginary marriage. For example it would be at a zoo, I’d ride in on an elephant and leave on a giraffe…you know things that would never happen. 

However as I’ve seen the happiness and celebrations I’ve caught myself thinking if I ever found the right girl would all this be open for me? Would my family be there to smile in pride? Would I have the sparkly dress? Where would I even get married? And the sad reality is even if I find the girl of my dreams, I’ll never have the wedding I would want.