I haven’t been active on this blog because I’m not really sure where to start writing from. Do I start from the beginning or do I go from recent events and post up fillers when you guys ask questions? By the way I just want to say thank you to those who have deemed this blog worthy enough to follow and thank you to those who have commented already. Each sign of activity from you guys gives me support and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

But I think I’m going to start with the most recent events that have happened because essentially it was those happenings that really made me realise that I need a healthy outlet for my emotions.

I’m currently studying in University, one that is a fair distance away from home. I took that decision because I felt that if I really wanted to live my life I couldn’t do it near any familiar surroundings…aka my parents. One thing that needs to be said, because in one comment someone posted that writing the word gay isn’t really terrifying. But for me it is because Asian parents following the ways of Islam being gay is not allowed. Simple, it’s in the Qur’an, my gran made me read that passage before I even had anything inclination of my disposition. Also another disclaimer I don’t want this to be a bashing of Islam because I do still follow some teachings it’s just a shame that it does not agree with who I am.

So if my parents ever found out I am gay they’d disown me, harsh to think so but I know so. That’s why it is terrifying for me because I haven’t reached that stage in life where I’ll be prepared to be shunned from my family, I don’t think I’lll ever be prepared but yeah, it’s a big deal.

So anyway I hadn’t been home in a while since Uni was getting really busy and the work was piling on so any time out would hinder my progress. Yet this didn’t stop my mum asking repeatedly when I’d be back so after exams had finished I went home to surprise them. However it wasn’t the nice few days home I was hoping for it just turned into one argument after another because someone thought it would be nice to send a hate txt against the family and of course when it came to attacking me what did they say? I was gay, went out to gay clubs and had plans to marry a girl in summer. Utterly crazy.

When my dad questioned me on these points I denied them, bar being gay the rest were false and my dad believed me and left it. However my mum wasn’t so sure and she came into my room and interrogated the hell out of me. I have never been so scared in my life or felt so vulnerable. You see my mother cares a lot about what the Asian community thinks and being a girl who could never be deemed a typical Asian girl, I’d already made impressions within the community that I was different and not in the way they were used to. And it didn’t help that growing up my mum always shouted at me saying I should’ve been born a boy, these words will never leave me but neither will this experience.

My mum asked me if any of it was true, again I denied, however she kept pushing: ‘why would this person say these things about you?’

I tried to explain that the person was looking to hurt the family and this was easiest thing they could say against me because it was clear they had no idea what kind of person I was. My mum paused to mull it over but then she asked me to do something.

‘Look into my eyes and tell me you’re not,’ my heart stopped, I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes but I didn’t let them get any further as I blinked them away and look at my mother and told her I was not gay. With disgust welling inside my chest my mum looked away seemingly satisfied but before she left she said,

‘Good at least now I can tell people my daughter isn’t wrong.’

Never before had I questioned my existence until that night and that night when I was sure everyone was asleep, I quietly cried to myself.